


stay with me (come on)

by isa_writes



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Drabble, Episode: s03e18 The Beast Within, Heavy Angst, Introspection, M/M, POV Magnus, POV Magnus Bane, Post-Break Up, Post-Episode: s03e18 The Beast Within, angst you'd expect for a break up, more like medium angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-16
Updated: 2019-04-16
Packaged: 2020-01-14 21:28:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18484720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isa_writes/pseuds/isa_writes
Summary: Magnus knows himself to be strong. He knows himself enough to recognize the tell tale signs of love. He knows himself enough to realize that his heart may be the most fragile thing about him.orAn introspection on how Magnus feels about the breakup.





	stay with me (come on)

**Author's Note:**

> All mistakes are mine. Also there is some reference to quotes by Gabriel Garcia Marquez and E.A. Bucchianeri in the last paragraph.

_Hearts are breakable, and even when you heal,_

_you’re never what you were before._

 

The pain of heartbreak is not a pain that goes away with practice. It’s not something that one can get used to. No matter how many heartbreaks, no matter how many centuries, once your heart breaks it’s never what it was before. Magnus knows himself to be strong. He knows himself enough to recognize the tell tale signs of love. He knows himself enough to realize that his heart may be the most fragile thing about him.

 

But when Alexander Gideon Lightwood walked into his life and smiled, every protection seemed to dissipate. Every wall, every barrier, every single thing he spent nearly a century trying to build was torn down. He took a risk. He jumped into a free fall and Alec caught him. He held him close and called him beautiful. He held him close and told him that he couldn’t bear the thought of losing him. He held him close and said he wasn’t going anywhere.

 

So when Magnus kept taking leap after leap and Alec kept catching him, he became comfortable. He gave his heart to Alec, and Alec gave his heart in exchange. At least that’s what he believed. He believed that Alec Lightwood gave him, Magnus Bane, an _ex_ _warlock_ , his heart. They both stood side by side, hearts in each other’s hands, and decided to take their chance at love and their chance against the world.

 

Magnus honestly didn’t know what he was thinking. He knew breaking down n front of Alec was a bad idea, but he couldn’t control himself. Honestly, who does he think he is. Did he really believe that Alec would stay? Did he really believe that Alec would want to deal with him? Did he really think that Alec would love him despite his pain? When he admitted it out loud, sober, that he was in pain, did he really think Alec would want that?

 

Because Magnus is, he is in pain. Every day hurts. It feels like the earth is laying on his shoulders and he doesn’t have any power left to hold it up. And it hurts when he is surrounded by blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness. It is hard to keep going when every time he wakes up, he wants to go back to sleep. When every time he feels the sun on his face, he just wants to lay down. When everything around him feels like it is caving, like it is crushing him.

Magnus knows that he is at his weakest. He will never admit it out loud, but he is. In these moments of weakness he has his rock. Ragnor, Catarina, Raphael, even Camille at one point. Now, though, it is Alec. Alec keeps him grounded and afloat all at once. He makes him feel like there is still something on this earth that is worth it. He takes the bad thoughts and puts them away for awhile.

 

When he was around, Magnus felt a little better. No one person can fix what he’s feeling, but he felt better. He felt okay. Because even with this big bad black cloud seeping into his mind, filling him with an overwhelming feeling he couldn’t quite place, at least there is someone who cares. Who did care.

 

And so with everything caving in, with everything he has being ripped away from him, Magnus whispers _stay with me._ And he doesn’t know if he’s crying or if his throat is closing up because all he can focus on is that Alec isn’t kissing back. Alec isn’t responding. Alec isn’t supporting him. With another shaky breath he tries again, _come on stay with me._ And he doesn’t know if he’s saying it out loud, all he knows is that he’s shouting it in his mind. That the only thing holding him up is the hope that Alec will stay. The hope that his heart isn’t completely crushed.

 

So he rolls off of his tip toes, tears threatening to spill, and watches Alec. Watches him for any sign that he will stay. For any sign that he didn’t mean what he said. For any sign at all. But Alec leaves, and it all crumbles.

 

The life he built for himself, the house, the job, the powers, the man that he loves, is all gone. Magnus doesn’t know if he’s still here either. He knows he’s breathing and he knows that he exists, but he doesn’t know how to anymore. So he sits down. He curls in on himself. He hugs himself how Alec held him. He tries not to remember the whispered promises of forever. He tries not to remember the whispered _I love yous._

 

Instead, he thinks about his so called spark. He thinks about when it went out. Magnus doesn’t know exactly when because, for him, it has been out since Edom. It’s been out since he gave away part of himself. It was already gone. Maybe for Alec, he truly realized the spark was gone when he broke down. Magnus regrets it. He regrets showing everything he tried to hide. He regrets showing weakness. Because maybe if he didn’t show weakness, Alec would still be here. Maybe if he didn’t show weakness, Alec wouldn’t see him as a responsibility. Because that’s what he feels like. A responsibility. And maybe Alec finally saw that and realized that he didn’t want to take care of him anymore.

 

That’s what makes Magnus’ heart hurt the most. The fact that he is everything so many people have called him before. Alec used to tell him that he wasn’t a burden, that he was beautiful, that there was nothing ugly about him, and yet he left. He left because he was tired of handling him. He left because the burden of Magnus’ problems were too much to shoulder.

 

Alec left. Alec left and in his place was the overwhelming feeling of never being good enough. Alec left and Magnus can’t feel anything else. Alec left and the only thing he left behind is someone Magnus can’t even recognize.

 

His heart and his stomach and his insides feel empty and hollow and aching. _This grief_ , Magnus thinks, _this grief is the price paid for love_.

 

**Author's Note:**

> The quote at the beginning is from the books for those of you who don't recognize it, but this is fully based on show!malec and the extreme emotional pain that this episode caused me. I'd love feedback so tweet/message me @lightwxxdbane or comment and leave some kudos :)


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